The'Things You'd Never Hear On Smallville' Reality
by Tribble Master
Summary: At last fate is fufflied in this exciting new chapter! waht's so exciting? the author is about to go crazy due to the ammount of flames on her other stories! NO FLAMING. Jerks. BUT ENJOY THE STORY!
1. I get some catnip and this happens

'Things That You'd Never Hear On Smallville' Reality

_thanks to writerchic16for the idea! this story uses evrything said in 'things that you'd never hear on Smallville' as the baisis of the plot. Disclaimer :N-O-T M-I-N-E, k?  
Now on to the madness!_

Reality twisted and before the author could stop she was writing about a story in Smallville were everything is deranged, cuckoo, basically everything that is never said in our Smallville is said here. So run, run fast, run hard, run while you can.

Then, Jude from the episode _Zero_ spoke up, "I'm gay. You can see me on channel 50 at 9am on _Queer Eye for the Straight Guy_."

He was immediately waked upside the head by Lex who turned to Clark and said, ". Let's go get a cappuccino."

Bob Saget then spoke up and said, "What do you mean 'wrong show?' "

Clark took care of that sucker. Both the guys were at the Talon, and stood up to the counter. Lana turned towards them and said, "Does anyone have some makeup remover?"

Clark then replied, "Lana. Get a life. I'm _soooo_ over you."

"No, but I like my drink tall, dark, and handsome." Chloe added looking up at Clark.

Lex sighed, and took his drink and Clark's over to table. Clark immediately followed. As both guys sat down they heard Pete saying, "I like catnip."

Soon, both masculine figures were joined by Chloe and Lana at their table.

Meanwhile, in some dark dangerous rat hole factory, Morgan Edge looked up at his surgeon and said smugly, "Britney Spears couldn't have gotten a better plastic surgery job than what you did to face! You get a raise."

Back at the Talon Clark sipped his Hot Coco and said, "I love adventure!"

Chloe sighed, stirred her drink and added, "I love the Torch!"

Lana looked around for a moment then added her opinion, "I love the Talon!"

To this, Lex looked up brightly and said, "I love **you** Clark!"

There was dead silence all around. Then Clark loudly burped looked up, looked at his clothes, then after breaking the silence he announced, "I don't feel like wearing flannel today. Or jeans for that matter..."

The other three figures at the table were sick of Clark never being able to choose who he loved the most so, they promptly left.

At his house, Lex met up with Helen, being gay he didn't care. Helen being stupid immediately kissed him on the lips. Lex pushed her away, but she spoke up. "Lex, I truly love you. How much money did you say you have? Because it doesn't matter to me AT ALL."

But the loveless billionaire didn't care, then as soon as she stepped out of the house, Clark Kent fried her with his laser vision!

Meanwhile Morgan Edge was talking to Sam Fallen who was saying, "What ever do you mean; 'falsified reports?'" This had absolutely nothing to do with anything, so this plot line disappeared.

Back at the mansion Lex was drinking his regular root beer when his dad stepped from the shadows. "Why, no this doesn't have a double meaning, and I'm not poisoning your drink today, Lex." The root beer clashed to the floor, and Lex just stared at Lionel.

On the farm Clark and Lois petted Krypto. Enthused he said, "You're a good pup!"

Krypto then looked up at them and remarked, "Don't you fools realize that I have more than super strength?"

Ignoring the super pooch Lois said out of the blue, "Thanks Clark, you're a real help. I like the flannel." After this was spoken she went to go milk the cows.

Suddenly Jor-El's deep voice filled Clark's brainless head, "Clark, m'boy, let's have a father son chat!"

Clark decided that he should probably consult Dr. Swan about this, rather than Jonathan. Dr. Swan at the moment was muttering to himself, "Why yes, I do try online dating. Actually, I've met this young hot blonde, she thinks I'm tall dark and handsome. But mostly tall."

This 'young hot blonde' at the moment, was currently sharpening**_ his_** chainsaw. He was muttering, "Sucker…" He then pulled out a map that showed the whereabouts of Doctor Virgil Swan…

Just then a familiar Porsche drove up in the Kent drive way. Then a familiar baldie stood in the familiar doorway. "Clark, your right, your not hiding anything at all." Lex calmly said as Clark used his laser vision to light some candles.

As Lex dimmed the lights Clark asked, "Aren't you here to quote some dead guy? Like you always do?"

"Famous dead ruler who? Alexander the What? What history figure?" Lex said cheerily.

Just then before the rating went up Jonathon waked in and said grimly, "Lex, you're really a good guy. Wanna be friends?" It sounded so creepy, and his eye twitched in a not so sane why.

Lex shook his hand smiled, flashing all of his pointy fangs, and left.

Before Jonathon left he added thoughtfully, "Go ahead and tell every one your secret Clark. I'm gonna go do the chores."

Tired of doing whatever it is he does Clark headed to the town, there he saw Chloe on a park bench muttering, "The meteors aren't the source of everything weird in this town!"

As he continued he saw a boy who had the power to transformer anything he wanted into pink fluffy tacos, aka freak of the week, announcing, "No, I really don't feel like killing anyone. Or wreaking any vengeance. Infact, I'll use my powers for **_good._**"

The good feeling in Clark's stomach faded as he saw some past freaks of the week. They got very close to Clark and said, "No, we don't hate you Clark. Now just come closer…that's right…we're friends…closer……" Then they smiled and skipped off singing the song _Lollipop_.

Meanwhile at the Luthor Mansion, Lionel was playing video games. Lex got up behind him, real close too, and whispered, "Caves…caves…caves…"

Lionel turned around quickly and said, "Caves? What Caves?" By this time Lex had disappeared and gone off to Clark's for no reason surprise party at the loft. There was root beer!

And what a party it was! Clark was very happy even after his mom had loudly announced, "I don't feel like baking a pie now!" The scotch must be affecting her.

Then Clark felt excited as Alicia, his wife, showed up, "Hey Girl! Did you bring the red kryptonite?"

She shook her head and said proudly, "I'm stalking someone new, Clark!"

Oh, well party on. That was the motto tonight, and being high on root beer (except for Martha) none disagreed.

The next morning aside from massive hangovers, Smallville did whatever it was they did, duh.

Yes, this was shaping up to be a regular week in freak town.

* * *

END TO A ONE SHOUT THOUGHT!

see, now this happens when I get a good reviw! So review please!


	2. Cow comes to town

My Cat Types: God, just because I'm sitting in her lap she makes me do theese dumb things. Well anyway the characters are not her and the idea is semi-her. But anyway she wants this published so I'd better sto-

**writer16**-i'm sorry if you do not like it, but I am having a blast!

Oh, and the orignal story was cancled sorry!

So, now part two of _alternitive Smallville_: **THE QUEST -**ominus thunder here-

* * *

The story opened and behold, someone besides the local hero decked in flanal. 

He was a tall dark stranger. He was new in town, but news travels fast in Smallville. He was on a quest and one by one, resident by resident, he would find what he needed. His name was of no relevance he preferred to be called Cow.

The first place he went was the Beanery; it was closed almost instantly though when the manger walked out muttering, "Okay I'm gonna go take a break at the Talon!"

Cow shrugged and went to the Talon instead. There he overhead many conversations on the way to the counter.

For one, some dude named Whitney was muttering, "I hate football. I am so gonna be an All-Star Baseball dude!"

Sighing, Cow shook his head. Apparently a talking dog (Krypto he later learned) was eating some crispy fries, and muttering, "I love an extra order of extra large crispy fries! (Munch, munch)"

Finally he reached the counter. Ahead of him though was Jason, he was talking to Lana saying, "Lana I hate your guts, but it is _soooo_ much fun screwing with your brain."

Jor-El then popped up besides Jason and said wishfully, "I miss frenching Lana…"

Lana escorted both men out then turned to Cow and said, "Welcome to McDonalds, how may I help you? An extra large order of crispy fries?"

"No thank you, but could lift up your pant leg? I need to see if you have—" A dog barked and so only Lana heard what he said. She readily complied; disappointed Cow bought some java and left the building.

He next headed towards the Torch. When he waked in Chloe was starring at the 'Wall of Weird,' and yelling, "Guess what suckers? I **AM **a **_METOR FREAK!" _**Then sounds her maniacal laughter filled the room.

Cow coughed and she turned around.

Meanwhile Lex was having a conversation with Louis from the island. Louis was saying, "I'm just like Barney, and the Tellitubbies. A complete figment of your imagination that you want to bash up into a million pieces."

Lex grabbed something and bashed him over the head with it. Of, course he was actually hitting his dad. In protest Lionel yelled, "Me corrupt innocent people? NEVER! I BRAKE FOR METOR-FREAKS!" Lex stopped, and somewhere some how a root-beer drink crashed to the floor.

**Purple Fire Maniac Chihuahuas. **

Back to Cow, he was approaching the Kent farm, disappointed Chloe had not had **_it._**

On the way he passed Pete who was whining to his mom in the car, "Ew! Slow down mom! You're driving to fast! I _hate_ fast cars!"

Finally after many moments of dreading the insanity to come Cow drove up to the Kent farm. In the yard Clark was angry and yelling, "Darnit! I flunked the math test again! Now I'll have to repeat kindergarten for the seventh time!"

Cow was about to ask were his parents were when Jonathan stumbled up with a wine glass and saying, "I sho' iz drunk an' dizzy!"

Maratha ran up to him and scolded him saying, "Did you get drunk at Lex's place again?"

Jonathan thought back to that afternoon at the mansion. While they had been drinking a drunk Lex had said, "Let's not play pool today. Maybe go fish?"

Jonathan snapped out of the flashback and said to his wife, "Nope, haven't been drunk at the Luthors' again, nope.

As if this was not insane enough a young Girl Scott came up and asked for a cookie. When it was inquired how her 'kind' sold so much she said, "Of course the meteors mutated us! How else do we sell so many cookies!"

"Riiiiiight. Well since you are all hear I need to see if anyone has " He was cut off as a mushroom did the Macarena, and so the reader never heard what was said.

As he left Lois came out and yelled, "Here Clark, why don't you use the shower first today?"

Meanwhile in another corner of the universe I held a secret meeting. "We bomb Lana at dawn!" I cried.

Just about everyone else in the WORLD agreed.

And in New York, Dr. Swan was some what 'bruised' after his 'encounter' with the 'young hot blonde.' So he got up out of his wheel chair and got himself a cup of coffee then sat back down. Then turned toward the reader and said, "I'm just a poor pathetic invalid." Secretly out of hear shot he whispered, "Who's secretly manipulating you all!"

Meanwhile, at the mansion Britney Spears had just walked in. She sang, "Hello Lex, I need cold hard cash, and you are perfect to seduce. I mean, uh, I love you! Let's get married!"

Lex, to preoccupied with being gay and Clark, did not care and shooed her out.

Cow then walked in and said, "All sources tell me you are it tell me about yourself!"

Lex looked up from the fireplace were he was slowly burning Scotch bottles and said, "I'm cold hard, play mind games, and conceal my true emotions. Plus I have father issues. I must be just like SPOCK!"

Cow looked over the slowly melting Lex Luthor and calmly said, "So, do you have **purple socks**?"

The steaming Lex replied, "DUH! THEY _SOOOOOO_ MATCH MY OUTFIT!"

He flashed a cheesy grin and offered Cow a drink of 7up. Cow declined, took the socks, and left. His quest was complete, now he could run bare nude in the banana trees!

Anyway as soon as he left party stuff appeared all over the mansion. The alternative Smallville had another wild party.

Aww, this was really an awesome week.

* * *

SHOULD THIS END? 


	3. Your momma

_And to those who reviewed_ _for me to contiue, I say thank ye. For it is such reviews that feed my fire, my need to write. And as to ye, rocker94: no comment. But thank you Wolffa and Fire Of The Dragons! takes a bow  
_  
Now, let the insainty continue!  


* * *

Part III: Lineage or A Wild Party or Mabey I Suck At Tittle Names-

Smallville is by this point, drunk twenty four hours/ seven days a week. So guess what they are doing right no—

"WAIT! LIKE LET ME TALK," Lana pouted before continuing, "Popular opinion affects my every choice… what do you mean me whining isn't cool? OMG, like, I'll stop…. ……OH MY GOD I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! This isn't cool, oh my goo- were did my make-up kit go?"

Another pointless comment, from our favorite dumb blonde. Oh I didn't mention what happened did I? Well it all happened last tight at the party…

(Rewind with cool 60s graphics to **last night at the party**…)

As you know the party was at Lex's place. Clark was up their in the closet dancing and muttering something like, "Did you know kids these day are easily distrac—oo! Shiny stone of power!"

Well, actually he was distracted by a shiny bottle cap. Not a 'shiny power of stone.'

Lex on the other hand tapped his glass and loudly announced, "What do ya know? My shirt automatically rips itself!"

At this point is shirt ripped, and then Lex took a bow.

Lionel, in another corner of the room was conversing with a disguised Morgan Edge. "I like the Michael Jackson costume," Lionel coughed and changed the topic, "I wish I hadn't cut my hair, before I could at least braid it with a pink pretty bow!"

Also Chloe was drinking straight orange soda. She threw aside her cup and yelled, "Ewww...too much caffeine is bad for you. Eh, excuse me whilst I read my pretty little glamour magazine! Ooo, popular trends…." She then began to, well, drool.

Anyway, every one was high on **_something_**. So yeah, everyone was a bit, -_hic-_ tipsy.

_hic-_

Whoops, lost my wits for a hic moment.

Meanwhile, Dr. Swan was late to the party. He was paying off a sniper to take care of that 'yo--

You didn't just read that! NO!

Well, okay, I might as well tell you who the 'young hot blonde' really is. Who **_he_** really is.

WAIT! Things were heating up at the party.

Lana had begun to sing la…La…, but then there was that familiar flash of purple light. So Isabel began to sing la…LA! They so totally suck at karaoke.

Then Nemo, from the Matrix showed up and said to Isabel, "Hello, you must come and train... GAK!"

He was cut off as Isabel screamed, "Me flicky the purple bally!"

Lana high-fived herself and said, "That was cool girlfriend!"

Lex cried and said, "Hey! I am supposed to be the only one with a split personal—GAK"

"Me flicky another purple bally!"

Okay, since, like Lex survives worse torture he is only unconscious. Nemo, however was, like dead. Dead dead.

And as that happened Dr. Swan made his way to the party. The sniper had failed however and unknown to his knowledge the 'young hot blonde' was following him.

Of course, NO ONE noticed the huge, yet petite, 'young hot blonde.' "Who is she?" Everyone asked. She ripped off her mask, to revel another!

Oh, you'll never gusse! This is funny! I can just leave the suspense here if I felt like it. Just let me enjoy this moment for a few for minuets/ seconds.

**-  
-**

Okay, that's enough.

"**DARTH VADER!" **Dr. Swan screamed, "I WENT ON A DATE WITH…." The shock seeped in. "Cool."

Darth Vader, however went up to Dr. Swan and slapped him. Then he turned to Pete and said, "Pete, I am your father."

Pete shook his head, "I am sorry, but Peter, my evil twin brother is your son!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Yes, it is true. William Shatner is my father."

Everyone else shrugged, and partied on. Jason was so drunk, he turned to his mom and said, "HAPPY MOMMA'S DAY!"

'Momma' gave him a big slap o'. She then said, "You know we have to be obsessive 24/7 boy! And, yes I love you to."

"Yeah!"

Meanwhile, Lana was having a conversation Darth Vader. "So, how did you feel being a blonde?"

"Well, I like, felt, like, free! Ya' know? "Darth Vader gave a little giggle.

"Hmm, do you think I would be good as a blonde?"

She received a giggle in response.

All of the sudden the music paused as Jonathan yelled, "AH! MY HEART!" And fell limp to the floor. After a few seconds he popped up and said, "Ha, ha gotcha."

Martha smacked him really, really, **really, _really_** hard. So, yes it hurt.

Then Lex regained conscious, just as his shirt re-ripped itself.

And by this time Clark was running in circles.

"'Ere Clarike!"

Clarkie stopped, and ran over to Lois. There he promptly sat down.

Lois then said, "Good boy Clarkie! Wanna treat?"

Clarkie then barked. Bark!

Krypto nodded at Lois, "You have taught him well young one. Are those beef flavor?"

Then Lois looked closer at Clarkie, "Oooo, this reporting stuff is fun! I can see the headlines now; YES, HE ONLY WEARS FLANAL!"

She was slapped immediately by Chloe.

And Lana was still drinking, still talking to Darth when another Karaoke contest began. She was tied, gagged, and thrown in a closet, this way no one had to listen to her sing.

And everyone, being drunk, did the electric slide to The Cha Cha Slide.

Then Clark had an idea. Like, he actually **thought** of something.

**_author in shock_**

Anyway, he decided to put some catnip in _everyone's _drinks. This resulted in several things.

For one, Darth began to think that everyone was Luke. And if you're Luke you're a sworn enemy. And if you are Darth Vader, you duel sworn enemies with carrots (unpeeled).

Second, the truth or dare game began. Someone got the brilliant idea to get Lana to dye her hair blonde.

"Ah, no way guys!" She giggled.

She took a sip of her drink, "Well maybe…"

"We double dare ya'!" Everyone shouted.

"Double dare! Well…" She took another sip.

"Hmm, what is in this hic fab drink?" She took a gulp.

"Sure let's do it!" She said really perky.

While no one noticed Clark moved at super-speed to get some Hair Color For Men's dye for Lana's hair.

The dye was blonde. It was super blonde. Like 'sorority queen dumb blonde' blonde.

And well, speculate form there. The mess was huge. (BUT NOT FROM LANA!) And when it was all finished Lex's shirt was in tatters, then it ripped again (for the 593456th time!). Okay, I think Lex--ENOUGH OF ME BACK TO STORY!

_(Using same lame graphics fast forward to present) _

All that is left is for Lana to embrace her new personality. Which she had before. Infact like, yesterday, Lana walked into a bar, and like, said, like, "ow."

So everyone is still having hangovers and all the cats in town are high. Wild party at the Torch next!

_HIC--_


	4. The box and the elves

Let me clarify one thing: I am a sick, sick, little girl. Yes I am, but this sick, sick little mind wants to thank anyone who has reviewed. Oh, and LJ, you are also a freak. I just came up with this so here it is! I need feed back please!Anyway, have fun! And as to the rest of this story, here is my disclaimer: NONE OF THESE DRUNK POOr CHARAcTERS ARE MINE!

* * *

Part IIII: All of your fantasies about Lex come true and he is shirtless 

God I wish, to bad though. HA! I bet you thought I was really gonna write that but then it would be R, so yeah….

Well, I though it was funny.

cough

Anyway, it was a regular day in Smallville, Lana was now a blonde and everyone had a hangover. Nothing new.

Anyway Lex woke up in his bed. Shirtless. In his bed. _Shirtless._ Sorry, getting carried away. Anyway, when he woke up **_shirtless_**, there was a box next to his bed. It looked like a cereal box, and roughly tapped over the Rice Krispies Snap label was a sign that said: **_SLASHY GOODNESS_**. Any smart person, wearing a shirt, would not have opened. As I said any smartwearing a shirt person, and Lex qualifies in none of the above, so he opened it.

There was a blinding flash of lights and pretty pink triangles. Just because, I'll tell you what the box did. If you were gay, it made you straight and vice versa. Get it hot stuff? O, did that slip out? giggle I'm going to go organize my shoes and purses….

Anyway, Lex went to the Talon to see if anything strange had happened. In his rush he neglected to put on a shirt, only a pair of pants. Then he drank some root-beer, did the tango, won at yahtzee, **_and then…_** Rushed to the Talon.

First thing he saw was the now straight Jude. Jude slapped him, and then went off to talk with Genevieve.

At the Talon Lana and Chloe were having a cat fight over who could date Lois, but she was dating Martha. Of course, Martha was finally straight. Lex got a cup of joe, and was taking bets with people. He was pretty sure Lana would win. He did after all teach her how to beat up Barney. Then Clark waked in and he didn't care.

Clark however had something important to say, "I'M BISEXUAL! After all, I love you all."

Krypto coughed, and under his breath said, "Stupid, you're my date!" And stumbled off crying.

Lex was planning on doing something idiotic to improve the story, but he went to the Kent Farm instead. But I guess that counts.

Meanwhile in the caves, Morgan Edge was peaking around. "Hey sexy," a voice whispered.

Morgan looked around and as a force of power pushed him up against a wall. "Who is it?" He asked breathlessly, if Jason knew he was cheating on him he was so dead.

"Yo daddy."

Back at the farm Lionel and Jonathan were having a romantic picnic among the cows. Then Lex showed up, still lacking a shirt. "I love you son," Lionel said causally.

This made Jonathan jealous. So he charged, punching Lex full in the face. He was shocked. And unconscious! So then, Lionel and Jonathan had a cat fight. Just to heat things up.

However, when Lex woke up he was in his bed, with a shirt, and it was morning again. The same time he had opened the box. This time it wasn't there though.

Clark woke up in his bed, shirtless. Next to him was a box. Much like a cereal box, and over the Rice Krispies label was a tapped on piece of paper that said **_ONLY FOR U_**.

Any person would have immediately deduced that it a) will do something crazy or b) give him a power stone and then they would open it. Clark isn't human and he doesn't think...often. He opened it.

There was a blinding flash of flannel. He was in front of a huge door. He opened it. Inside his dream came true, for there inside the storage space was unlimited flannel merchandise. UNLIMITED.

Meanwhile, Lana and Chloe were having a cat fight for no reason. Lex was playing the game; he was da book keeper with a shirt.

Back to Clark who was swimming in his sea o' flannel. Unfortunately he can't swim, and therefore drowned. When he came to, he was again in his bed. Wearing a shirt of pink, he screamed. Where was the box? He was frantic, it was again the same time he had opened it. And the same morning.

Just then Lana, who was not wearing a shir—no that is wrong. Lana who is wearing a bra woke up in Chloe's bed. Before this is totally wack, let me clarify: she had made Chloe sleep in the dog house again. Next to her was a box of Cookie Crisp. She ate it. Behind that box was another box. She was tempted to smash it with a hammer. It looked just like any ole cereal box. And taped over the Rice Krispies label was a piece of paper that said **_YOU SUCK. _**Lana was dumb before, but now she thinks like the dumb blonde stereotype. So she opened it without a thought, like she thinks any—"Hold the phone, it is just like the person I choose to embrace. And OMG!" Lana began to cry (am I really that harsh?), "I don't feel loved! But, I feel, like, so pretty!" I hate you. "Oh really? Like thanks!" Sigh, Lana turned and opened the box.

There was a blinding flash of pink and purple, this made Tinke Winke happy.

Lana found herself in front of JcPenny's. They were having an all out make up and beauty sale, with lots of free testers and gifts…Just for Lana. She then died of shock, but keep in mind she died knowing her skin tones.

Then Lana woke up wearing a shirt, and her Cookie Crisp was there. She was lacking however the other box. It was again morning, and again the day had just begun.

Everyone was again really_, really_ drunk it seemed as if this day had already occurred- three times, which it had. But no one noticed.

Just then Dr. Swan woke. He had strange dream last night were he been straight, but he knew that was impossible. Meanwhile in the kitchen, Darth Vader had gotten out of bed a few minutes early, and was now making breakfast.

There Darth found a box. You get the drill by now right? Anyway this time it said **_FEED ME_**. The mask was affecting his vision so he showed it to Swan. Swan wasn't wearing his glasses and opened it. What does everyone have the stupid disease in this town? Yes. Ah, good point.

Anyway, there was a blinding flash-er! RYAN YOU PERV! GET OFF THE SCREEN! YOU $&) &( +#

I love little kids, don't you?

Anyway, the two were separated. Darth Vader was permanently sent to the _Star Trek _universe. Dr. Swan however, had legs! He was tall, sun burned, and a dork. In other words the same, but taller.

"Darnit. WHY? WHY ME?"

Just then the cast of Baywatch came up to him for an exclusive part.

Back at the Talon Lana and Chloe were having a cat fight. "Last time I sleep in the doghouse!" Chloe cried, hyped and ready for vengeance.

Lex was taking bets. His money was on Chloe; after all he did teacher how to kill the tellietubbies.

Back at Clark's place, he and Pete were watching _Baywatch_. There was a new character, Jimmy Jim Jimmers; he was Mitch's secret sister!

And on the set, Dr. Swan was picking up trash as Jimmy Jim Jimmers. Just then a beach ball hit his head, knocking him unconscious. The girls all rushed to give him CPR, and it would have been any man's paradise, but he was stone cold out of it.

When he awoke, Darth Vader was vacant from his bed, and it was again early morning, the box was gone. Dun, dun, oh, what-ever.

The box was getting around if ya know what I mean. Ahem, cough, cough.

Jonathan woke with it next, it had on it the words **_All Your Problems Will Be Solved. _**Being stupid, he threw it at Martha who then opened it.

There was a brilliant streak-er, I mean Chloe had to have something to do. (On the lawn)

She was now rich, due to her husband's careful book keeping of the cat fights between Lana and Chloe, very rich indeed. She had everything!

And, Lionel was running a farm, with his son Lex.

At said farm, Lex threw his whip, "WORK FASTER MINION!"

"Yes son….don't hurt- OW!"

Lex was getting sweet revenge on his father, but don't worry, he didn't hurt the cows. Just the monkeys! HA HA!

Anyway, as queen of just about everything, Martha threw a wild party Torch, for everyone in Smallville. So, yes, they all got drunk on root-beer. This was provided by Lex from his root-beer chickens. The only person who was absent was Lionel, trapped by the fireplace.

Awww, do I smell a Cinderella C-quill?


	5. IT'S ALIVE! yo momma RETURNS!

Okay so like I used to like Chris, but know I don't know, so in this story I shall take out all my aggression. Oh and I really like Smallville even if this is a major insult to its morals and good standings. What morals and good standings? Lana just talks about her dead parents, makeup, and stupid idiot boyfriends.

But really, I think Michael Rosenbaum is hot. So thank you writers for getting him kidnapped every other episode. Oh and a major thank you to whose ever idea it was to make him lose his shirt every other episode.

Part V: A Story Of Stories (and you thought the title is complicated)

Do you know the muffin man? I know the muffin man. But _do you_ know the muffin man?

The muffin man was once a vigilante (I don't know what the word means but it sounds cool) primitive, caveman descended from apes like us all. Then on the day of the meteor shower he was baking muffin mix. A meteor hit his bakery then, the combination of the radiation and the mix on his face has made him the muffin man. Dun dun dun…So really no change.

Well wait, first I would like to point out that last chapter was an alternative universe branch off of ours, which (as you know) is a branch off of the original. So in last chapter's alternative a lot of people decide to be open about **how they truly feel…**but that is not the point so now I return us to our own original ALTERINTIVE SMALLVILE! And, yes, I did put a lot of thought into that excuse. And also if you read it carefully it will make sense. If you're high on catnip, that will also help clarify. Wait a second…

Anyway, Clark wanted a muffin. So did Chris. They both like muffins. And when I say like, I mean love, I mean 'I will die for the muffin!' love, and I mean do you get the picture already? So they both went their separate ways, on the same quest.

"Hey! Look," Clark yelled, "I've found my self! See? See! I'm right here!"

And I'm right here at a computer, making you look stupider than a monkey's butt.

Everyone inside the store stared at him. Clark's eye began to twitch and his arms were still waving around in the middle of the hardware store. "Well, anyway has anyone see the muffin man?" he asked.

All the lights clocked out and the store keeper held a flashlight up to his chin. "No," he said eerily, "but you must await a sign!"

The lights clocked on as if nothing had happened. Well Clark went outside and found himself walking straight into a sign. It said: SEE ThE MUfFiN MaN TONIGHT ThE bAr.

But as we all know Clark can't read to save his life. For all he knew (which wasn't much) the sign could have said, 'Illiterate? Write for help! Call 1-800-THE-MUFFIN-MAN!'

Anyway Lex was at his mansion smelling the roses. Which as we all know can make you invisible. So what does Lex do? STRIP DOWN! dgkilsfsaf Excuse, me computer glitch, I was, uh, drooling on the keyboard. Of, course though he was invisible so no one saw him with out his shirt off. But since I'm the author he turned visible for two seconds at the Talon to show off his nice physique. Two seconds though. Asdfsdf Sorry, I must be drooling too much. Dumb fantasies …

Clark was of course having apple juice at the Talon when this happened, he also drooled, but I guess this was because he was using his x-ray vision on Lana.

But really, I think it is time to shake things up. Dim the lights, play it again Sam, and tip your hat…

(a/n change of pov it's clarkie!)

A breeze rolled through the Talon, and I sat stiff and rigid like a fish. I sipped my juice quietly; I was almost ready to make the first move. _I needed to make the first move_. The muffin man was my target. But there she was all dazzling and sexy, I couldn't help but use my x-ray vision on the babe, then that _streaker_ was in the way.

Sigh, my life is like cheese. It is on the yellow alert; danger is always already to strike. Plus I like cheese. And cows, yeah cows, but mostly cheese. Cheese, ah, did you know? My life is like _cheese…_

I stood up and walked out of that place with my trench coat flowing. I decided I try a look at the local bakery's first.

Three hours and sixty doughnuts later I couldn't find the muffin man. And I had a feeling someone was fowling me. Every time I help up a doughnut it disappeared just as fast as Lana's makeup supply. Was there someone **_invisible? _**(a/n am I the master of subtle hints or what?)

"Yes." a deep voice responded.

AHH! I turned around as fast as Lana could switch boyfriends. It spooked me so I left… up, up, and away just like Lex's hair. But as you know I am naturally very balanced,

"Not true" the same voice replied.

Ahem, anyway, it took me buy surprise when I accidentally knocked over the flour. Only to discover a bold masculine figure in flour making stealthy foot prints behind me.

I turned around and smacked that daddy. He made a grunt; fell sideways and I still don't know were he went.

_Okay, new POV, k readers? K. Turn up the lights and stop playing it again Sam. _

Meanwhile there was a major disruption in girl's lingerie section at Wal Mart. There was either a ghost or someone invisible breaking into the changing rooms.

Clark, how ever had found shiny object to distract him-self long enough for me to switch the scene.

The muffin man was looking for a cold hard stiff drink. He was hopping for a glass of milk with his muffin but for the sake of the plot he took a wrong turn at Blueberry Street and ended up at the bar.

There seemed to be an invisible person stealing drinks at the Wild Coyote bar. It was really strange. But invisible, nah!

Several people were already drinking heavy.

"My visions? Nah, just hallucinations of the LSD," Cassandra chuckled

The muffin man sat quietly at the far edge. Just then a flannel trench coat figure stepped in. The wind swirled around him. His hat was tipped low as he said to the bartender, "One apple juice please." His voice was dark and rusty. He was Clark Kent.

Then our favorite billionaire walked in an orange spaghetti strap dress. He was muttering something about, "If anyone else tells me I have a fat ass again I swear to God..." He made a strangling motion with his hands. "What? The invisible stuff wore off on Blueberry Street and I had to buy this from a hooker… AR!" He slapped his forehead.

Clark stared at Lex, "Were you the invisible man following me all day?"

Lex picked up a drink. It quickly disappeared from his hands. He was about to make a retort when Chris, in no clothing appeared next to him with his drink. Everyone shielded his eyes until I drew him in a tight fitting dress for him to wear. When they all opened their eyes he was wearing a pink mini dress. I laugh.

Clark shook his head to clear it off the pre-stated visions. He looked up and said, "Has anyone seen the muffin man?"

From the back there was a heavy sigh. The muffin man. "But who are you really," Lex asked.

_She _shook _her _head… it was Lana! Desperate for a muffin Chris attacked her. "Te he, you really thought that…? I? Me? Oh you are so silly! Men." She giggled and walked off.

Chris looked around dazed. "But? But! What about my muffin?"

Yes, his muffin. Who was the muffin man really? The world may never now.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you.

Just then DR. SWAN wheeled in. He ordered tequila. Then looked up at the crowd, "I have a secret; I am the muffin man…"

Chris quickly attacked him.

And from his many wounds. Swan laid on the floor as he began to talk Chris stopped munching on the muffin for a moment just to listen.

"_Y'all wanna know how I lost my legs?" _he began,_ "It was on that fateful day, when I, the muffin man, (_this made Chris twitch) _was making doughnuts." _

There was a collective gasp form the audience.

"_Yes, I was trying something new. Unfortunately in a **horrible **accident I was crippled." _

Chris jumped. He pounced once more with a professional NFL tackle. "MY MUFFIN!" he screamed.

Dr. Swan raised a feeble hand to finish his tragic tale, "_So here I am before you, in all I am of my former glory: the Muffin __Man.__"_

Chris's eyes twitched more rapidly. Lex looked down and said, "But what is your power?"

"_I make **muffins." **_

Chris was for now content with the two he had. Chloe however then stomped in; she and Lana were hooked at the elbows. Chloe looked up perkily, and with her other hand pulled out a tape recorder. Her eyes gleaming with a reporter's intellect she began, "S_oo_o…You say, you say you make MUFFINS?"

She, with Lana attached to her arm, began to pace. Chris said some sort of retort but his mouth was full so no one understood.

"Muffins indeed," she began musing, "I have a theory on this! I shall investigate this im-..."

She was then slapped by Lana. "Don't forget! We're here for a reason! Tell Clark our decision!" Lana hissed in here ear.

"Ah-ha!" Chloe snapped her fingers and turned to face Clark. " Clark!"

She began slowly so he could understand. " Lana, L-A-N-A and I, E-Y-E, are sick, S-I-C-K of YOU, Y-O-U!"

Clark hugged a lone muffin for comfort, so many words! And she was still talking!

"So we are DATING EACH OTHER!" Chloe finished with a wild hand motion. Lana blushed, but it was hard to tell because of her makeup.

There was silence in the bar. Suddenly a horse walked in on the grim scene. He looked at them all and said, "What's with the long faces?"

The bartender snorted, "Look who's talking!"

Unfortunately, before the first ever fight between a bartender and a horse happened, a cow walked through the doors. She loudly said, "Hey! Stop this fight its udder-ly ridiculous! And besides you wouldn't believe what's happening outside… the chicken is about to cross the road!"

Dr. Swan stood up, "No way!" And stomped off outside.

Most people shrugged, but Chloe slapped Lana back. They all shuffled out though in the end to see history in the making.

Outside the curb the chicken flapped her wings. Next to her an excited decapitated head bobbed up and down. "C'mon, c'mon! Let's go!"

The chicken stared at the head she mouthed, "B…r….i…n…g _it _**ON!" **

At this the chicken put her foot on the asphalt. The head rolled behind her. Then something unexpected happened, I mean this was pretty unexpected. No really, the truck like came out of no were!

And well, the decapitated head is now deceased. The chicken however, made it safely. When she reached the other side Lex looked to the sky and said, "It's my dad's fault!"

He broke down sobbing when someone else whispered he had a fat ass.

But in the aftermath the bartender remarked on the one causality: "He should have stopped while he was ahead."

The bad jokes stopped there though when Chris keeled over coughing. He's now in ICU. And I think I got to wrap this up since I just heard his heart monitor go flat...

Which means the moral of this story is not to take muffins from strange men, or the muffin man.

So now you know th**_e muffin man._**


	6. Smallvile Files: Fate

At last fate was fulfilled, if you believed in that sort of thing. With a black gloved hand he dipped his right hand into the blue jar. Retrieving what he needed; he creped out.

Evil by choice or celestial power mattered not at the moment; the point was that he was now slinking out of the darkened room. Normally a clean sort of white room, in the dark only the moon gave glow, an eerie sort of light, the type he avoided inching out. The thief looked back regretfully, and tripped setting off one alarm in the process. The dark figure ran from shadows, fate, destiny, but most importantly the cops.

"Dangit," the thief swore, "I ripped my shirt back there!"

--------

The next day Lex woke up with a hangover on his couch in his office. Clark was standing over him, staring curiously. Dazed he murmured, "I hate you Clark."

"I hate you Lex."

Lex sat up, shirtless but with itchy fleece pants on. He scratched his head idly looking around the mansion. "Okay can we kiss now?"

Clark was slightly antsy, shifting his weight from foot to foot. "Lex!"

"Wh_aaaa_t?" Lex stood up completely this time and went to pour himself a drink.

"I really meant it that time." Clark's sullen voice said

"Again? Really, really, really, **_really?" _**

**__**

Sighing, Clark nodded.

Pouting, Lex threw his glass of scotch into the fire, turned to face Clark, and punched him. Clark winked obviously at no one in particular (alias the audience) and screamed "Oh Lex! How could you?" He then ran out crying.

Lex was about to wonder why the writers had him and Clark act so (what was the word? gay, mean, angry, angst, lovers) …strange to each other. However, the cops walked in. The new sheriff took a menacing stance,folded his arms across his chest, and said, "Mr. Luthor."

Lex looked at the digital clock on his desk. It was noon; high noon. "Sheriff," he said in a low voice. "Call me Lex."

"Lex…" There was pause, "do you have any information on theft of a cookie from …the Talon's cookie jar?"

The sheriff relaxed his position. Lex looked down, thinking, he then looked up and over at his fire place, avoiding eye contact. "…no."

"Then why are there cookie crumbs on you chest?"

"Aren't you here to shoot me like everyone else?" Lex stalled.

"No. But it's tempting." The sheriff shrugged, "Well, okay, I'll go now…if you're _sure."_

Lex nodded vigorously with his head, while walking over to his couch. Probably there would be a shirt lodged in the crack of the couch cushions. "Positive."

As the sheriff walked out, she paused in his doorway. "Well, alright, then I shall go and arrest Lana Lang."

Lex looked up, now holding a pair of boxers. "I don't wear boxers…what? Oh." Now paying attention he asked, "Why?"

"Because then Clark wouldn't have a good reason to solve this case. And unless he becomes some kind of law enforcmentI can't order him to help." The sheriff sighed at the lame joke she had just made. Lex thought about Clark…were these his boxers? They were flannel. "Yeah uh-huh, are you done?" Lex was walking away with the offending piece of clothing before the sheriff could answer; he wasn't really paying attention to her anyway. No one arrested him in this town.

He mumbled, "I need to think…"

The sheriff threw her hands up and walked away mumbling, "Why didn't I shoot him? Everyone else does…Aw heck, I need a new job, it's not like I do anything around here."

-----

"Ka-El."

Clark looked up from were he was sitting to look at the man-no, wall that had interrupted his thoughts. "Ka-El I can help."

Clark got up from the dirt, and rolled his eyes. "Yeah right. Generally you mess up my life.Sure I mess it up, but mostly you mess it up too."

"Look I'm a giant computer taking my orders way to seriously cut me some slack Jack! Now do you want to help Lana?" The wall shuddered.

Clark looked away from the picture of Naman and Sagethe. "Why can't my name just be Clark? (sigh)…yes, I do."

"Good. Put the key in the slot."

Clark's jaw dropped. "I don't succumb to peer pressure!"

"Dude, when did your vocabulary go up?"

"When my shirt level went down!" Clark said quickly without thinking.

"That doesn't even make sense. Just do it already."

"Na-ah!" Clark said placing both hands on his hips.

"You'd do it if Lana said so." The cave said without hesitation.

"…yes, yes I would…BUT THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS!"

If a cave could roll its eyes it would. "_Oh come on!_ I saw what you two were doing last night!"

Clark kicked the wall. "Not …cool! It was a harmless game of chess!"

"And boy did that rook go straight! Did the queen scream when she was captured? I'm sure the king won!"

Angry, Clark tried to punch the cave. In the process he jammed the key in the slot (the cave shuddered, "oh my, ka-el that tickles!"). A glowing pair of glasses appeared in his hands. Panting he looked up, pronouncing each syllable, "WHYNOTCONTACTLENSES?"

"Destiny. And forty year old men who live with their mothers-alias the writers, they call this dramatic."

"Oh…shut…up. If you're so smart why can't you just tell me who did it?"

"I thought you did **_it_**. Besides, what's the fun in that?"

Carefully aiming his laser vision, Clark easily burned a part of the cave. "What does it do anyway?" he asked forcefully.

"Oh like I want to tell you _now." _There was a cough, and a sound like someone clearing their throat then the voice continued, "**U s e i t w e l l m y s o n…" **

"I thought you were a computer."

"But your father made me with his mind. Deal with it. Go away!"

Clark put the glasses on and started to walk away. Just as he was muttering "Stupid cave, stupid destiny, stupid glasses," a beam from the wall hit him in the rear.

He ran out crying. The voice behind him was mumbling, "kids these days…"

-----

"Love the glasses Clark. Really. But why are you starring at my chest? I mean more so than you usually do…"

Clark continued to stare at Lana. He could see inside of her! Well, he could see her deepest personality. It was as if he was starring into a deep cavern that had been decorated by that person. Inside Lana was all pink, and there was a slight drizzle of rain going around. More importantly, there was princess merchandise everywhere. Fairy princess stuff.

Clark's eyebrow rose quizzically. "Lana I want to help you. But…what can you tell me about last night?"

She sobbed into her petite hands. "Oh Clark-ums!" she wailed, "I was hanging out, when I pulled out the cookie jar and left it on a table! I wanted a cookie, but as I was about to steal one, a noise interrupted me, and I left, and, and oh Clarkie!"

Clark was wondering why he even bothered with her. Then a three letter word starting with's' popped up in his mind. "Lana, I'll solve this crime! I promise Lana-ums."

"Clark-ums, don't call me that. It sounds soo_oooo _stupid."

"Lanies?"

"**No." **

****

Halfway through pronouncing the 'L,' Lana shook her head, and held up a hand, "_no." _

"Wait, Lana I have to go, and find out who did this."

She blinked, as her eyes welled with tears, "Oh. Fine." The guard escorted her back to her pillow lined cell. Out side the prison Clark stared at the glasses in his hands. These glasses would enable him to see inside a person. He could see who had the darkest soul, who would be so un-forgiving as to steal a cookie _from a cookie jar. _

However he had a feeling something evil might stop him. For safety, he went to see Lex. Opening the door, he saw Lex (now wearing a purple silk button up shirt) whispering to something cupped in his hand. Crumbs were on the floor under him. Chocolate lingered in the air- chocloate chips.

As incrementing as it might seem, Clark believed him innocent. When he looked into Lex's soul though…

One small baby cradle rocked in the corner, with a pink balloon tied to it. The baby was crying. The cavern it's self was lined with silver, and a fountain was in the center spewing purity. Around the edges though, blackness was creeping, very close, almost to contaminating the fountain. The fountain was Infact showing signs of poison. In short Lex was rotting on the inside.

" Clark?" The farm boy in flannel looked up shaking off what he had just seen. " Clark?"

"Lex, I cannot believe you…"Lex thoughts raced, could Clark see the stolen cookie in his hand? Clark continued, "…I cannot believe you DRANK ALL MY ROOT BEER!"

Inwardly Lex sighed. Clark stormed out, still distraught, holding a stolen pair of Lex's purple socks. He headed home, Leaving Lex alone.

Lex ate the cookie in condemning silence. "Fate's tasty," he said excitdly between mouthfuls.

-----

Sighing, Clark broke Lana out in the middle of the night when she would dismiss it as a dream. Later, Lana admitted that she thought she was being abducted by an alien. Clark told the sheriff it was an unsolvable crime. It remained that way. Lex held a bake sale the next day. No evidance has ever been found, making the cops unable to reopen the case... This concludes Smallvile-Files.

**THE END (PERMENANTLY IS TO BE DEBATED?) **

**This was an idea i had about what was in lex's soul. i will re-write and re-publish it if i get a good review. AND DON'T FLAME ME- IF THIS PLOT HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE, I'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT. IT'S ABOUT THE WRITING, AND IMPROVING, SO BACK OFF! **


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